Thinking about another pregnancy
Experiencing pregnancy loss or losses can change the way you think and feel about conceiving and being pregnant again. You might have some uncertainties and concerns that you didn’t have last time.
You may want to start trying immediately but wonder if you should wait. You may be thinking seriously about stopping trying but not be ready yet to make a final decision.
Or you may fall somewhere in the middle. You and/or your partner may really want a baby but worry about whether you will be able to cope with trying to conceive, being pregnant and the possibility of another loss.
We hope this page helps you and your partner (if you have one) feel more prepared, confident and hopeful about your next steps, whatever they are.
Part of me desperately wants to be pregnant and part of me is just too terrified of going through the same thing again.
Thoughts, hopes and worries about another pregnancy
- I want a baby but it’s no longer that simple.
- I’m feeling pressure to start thinking about another pregnancy.
- I want to be pregnant again as soon as possible.
- I really want to get pregnant again but have to wait.
- I just don’t think I can do it again.
I want a baby but it’s no longer that simple
Previous loss or losses can make everything feel more complicated. You may recognise some of these concerns.
- Fear of another loss and the emotional and/or physical impact it might have.
- Worry about your risk of another loss due to things you can’t change, like your age, pregnancy history or ethnicity.
- Concern about coping with anxiety in another pregnancy and wondering if that will increase the risk of another loss (it won’t).
- If you have had severe pregnancy sickness (also called HG or hyperemesis gravidarum) before, not knowing if you can put yourself through that again.
- Worry about whether you can cope with the strain and uncertainty of trying to conceive after a loss.
- If you conceived through fertility treatment or assisted conception, being unsure if you can go through the strain and cost of going through the whole process again.
- If you used a surrogate, worry about whether they will go through it for you again or about asking them – or not knowing if you will be able to find someone else.
- If you and your partner are both able to carry a baby, worry about making the decision about who will be pregnant this time.
- Wanting to wait until after your previous due date or another important date.
- Struggling with sex and/or intimacy after your previous loss.
- Worries about you and your partner having different feelings about when – or whether – to try again.
- Feeling as if another pregnancy means you are somehow forgetting or replacing your lost baby or babies.
I’m feeling pressure to start thinking about another pregnancy.
You may feel pressure to start trying again from external sources or because of your situation. This can be particularly hard if you don’t feel ready.
- You may feel you are ‘running out of time’ because of your age or due to worry about having more losses before having a healthy pregnancy.
- If it took a long time to conceive last time, whether naturally or through treatment, you may feel you should give yourself as much time as possible to conceive again.
- You might feel that you want to be pregnant before the your due date or the anniversary of your loss.
- You might be under pressure to get pregnant again from your partner or your family.
My husband was very keen to try again as soon as possible in case it took a while for me to get pregnant but I wasn’t so sure.
I want to be pregnant again as soon as possible.
There are lots of different reasons why you might want to be pregnant again quickly. These may outweigh some of the concerns above or sit alongside them.
- You may simply want a baby, or another one
- Even if your last pregnancy was unplanned, your experience may have made you realise that you want to be pregnant again now.
- You may feel empty, physically or emotionally, and hope another pregnancy will help with this.
- You may know your partner really wants you to be pregnant.
- You really want to give your parent/s a grandchild, or another one.
You feel so empty after the loss and want to fill that void…
- You may feel you need to ‘prove’ you can do it.
- You might feel confident it will go differently this time, perhaps because you have had investigations and been offered treatment.
- You may just be ready to move on.
I feel like I am in limbo and will not be able to enjoy life again until I am pregnant again.
I really want to get pregnant again but have to wait.
Even if you really want to get pregnant again straight away, your previous loss may mean you have to wait. This is not always in your control. You or your partner may be:
- still bleeding or experiencing other symptoms of miscarriage,
- being advised to wait after surgery, delivery or certain medication (e.g. methotrexate for treating ectopic pregnancy)
- in follow-up after a molar pregnancy
- having investigations and waiting for results and possible treatment.
- waiting for the results of a post-mortem or partial post-mortem on your baby
- on the waiting list for fertility treatment
- looking for a surrogate
It’s frustrating to have the decision taken out of your hands. Wanting to be pregnant but having to wait is hard – and harder still if people around you seem to be getting pregnant easily or want you to be pregnant.
You may find it helpful to look at our information on trying again and preparing for a new pregnancy.
When I found out I had to wait at least six months (after a molar pregnancy), I cried for about a week. Life seemed so unfair and to have no conrol over when I could try for a baby was awful.
I just don’t think I can do it again
You may be starting to think about stopping trying completely.
You may have come to the end of the line medically, or simply feel that you can’t take any more, physically, emotionally or even financially.
It can be scary to let yourself think about not trying again. For some people there comes a clear moment where they make this decision. For others it’s a process. You may make and unmake the decision many times.
You may want to put off deciding either way for a while and just sit with your feelings, noticing if and how they shift and change. You may decide not to actively ‘try’ but also not to take steps to prevent a pregnancy either.
If you and your partner have different feelings about what comes next, you may need to keep talking openly to find a path that feels right for you both. Relationship counselling might help. We hope the information in the next section will be useful too.
If you do decide to stop trying, it might bring a different sense of loss. You may have spent many months, if not years, trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant. When you stop trying, it creates a new space, one that used to be filled with hopes and plans for a future with children, or with more children than you have now.
You may find it helpful to look at our leaflet When the trying stops.
Hope has gone and that leaves a simple fact: it is not going to work. There is something straightforward and clean in that. I have had enough of this. I realise hope is what has made this so painful but now it is gone, somehow it is easier.
What might help
These can all be complicated and often conflicting feelings. Spending some time letting things settle, without feeling you must decide immediately can help and may make things feel clearer.
You don’t have to make any definite decisions right now. You could choose to start along one path, explore your options and assess as you go. Feel free to let things sit for a while. Talk things through with those close to you. Arm yourself with information, if that is what you like to do, or not if you don’t.
Wherever you are in the process of thinking about another pregnancy, we hope you find the following thoughts helpful.
Communication
Communicating with your partner about difficult feelings and needs can help things feel easier. This may be especially important if you and your partner (if you have one) have different opinions about another pregnancy. If you and your partner are finding it hard to talk openly, or are struggling with intimacy after your loss, you might find relationship or sex counselling helpful. These shared stories might help too.
Writing things down sometimes helps. We have lots of personal experiences published on our website. You may find stories that describe similar feelings and experiences to your own. It may help to read and share these with others.
Looking after your mental health
Pregnancy loss, trying to conceive, pregnancy after loss and coming to terms with stopping trying can all take a huge toll on your mental health. Looking after your mental health now can help ensure you have the coping techniques and support available if you do find yourself struggling further down the line.
I had therapy after our loss when we were trying to conceive and when we finally got pregnant again. It helped me talk things through and manage the anxiety I felt.
Talking to others in the same situation
It’s often helpful to read others’ experiences or talk to people in similar situations. It can help you feel less alone and give you new perspectives. You could try our forum, our Facebook groups or one of our face-to-face or Zoom support groups.
I was quite nervous of going [to the meeting] and I was worried I might break down in front of a group of strangers. As it happened I found the session extremely helpful and I am really looking forward to going again.
Podcasts, personal stories and short films or vlogs about pregnancy loss and the journey to, or away from, parenthood can sometimes help you feel less isolated, and part of a wider community.
Feeling informed and prepared
You may be clear in your mind that you want to be pregnant again. Or you might want more information before you decide. Either way, you are likely to have questions and worries. Our page on trying again may help.
Whatever you decide, whatever the future holds, we wish you gentler times ahead.