Katy’s story: children are not part of my future and that’s ok
Katy shares her experience of recurrent miscarriage. She talks about finding support and her feelings about a future with her wife, without children.
There's no baby at the end of my story, but I think it's important for people to know that can be ok too.
Throughout my 20s I had 7 miscarriages at between 7 and 21 weeks… There’s no baby at the end of my story, but I think it’s important for people to know that can be ok too.
The Early Pregnancy Unit was where I went each time I started spotting, to find out my baby’s fate. Each time I went through the same thing, being asked how many children I already had. Was the answer none? Or seven? It always felt like a trick question.
I was offered counselling once over the 8 year period of my losses, but I would have had to attend the EPU to access this. The EPU seemed a bizarre choice of location for miscarriage support – so I declined this offer and was discharged.
This horrific period of my life resulted in me shutting down, which eventually led to both a personal and relationship breakdown due to the sheer amount of sadness I had experienced.
Then, at age 31, I met my beautiful wife. As we got to know each other I opened up about my child loss for the first time. She was one of the first people who let me really talk. She encouraged me to get some professional help based around compassion focused therapy.
Meeting my wife and completing this therapy truly changed my life. Yes, there are days that are hard, but I have learnt to live with and accept my grief, be kind to myself and rebuild my self esteem.
Due to me entering early menopause, children are not part of our future. For us that’s ok, we are truly so happy with our life.
Miscarriage should not be seen as just one of those things. Allow yourself to grieve and ask for support. If support is not accessible then ask for alternatives, I wish I had done that sooner.
