Ashika’s story: reflecting after 6 years
In Ashika's story, she talks about the impact of her four miscarriages, and finding her way through her grief. She also dedicates some of her story to her husband, Mayur, and daughter, Siana.
There is no perfect way to heal. There is no perfect way of dealing with something you’ve never imagined that you would experience multiple times. After four consecutive miscarriages, my hope was slowly deflating.
There is a blessing in the breaking. There is no perfect way to heal. There is no perfect way of dealing with something you’ve never imagined that you would experience multiple times. After four consecutive miscarriages, my hope was slowly deflating. I did not know if I could throw myself back in the ring again, but I still held on to the prospect of miracle…..and then I birthed earth side a fierce and fiery soul, Siana Devi.
You see, the thing I learnt about grief is that it is not exclusive – it can consume life and taint everything a little grey. It won’t hesitate to remind you that everyone and everything you love will disappear someday. It reminds you of what you may have had (a 6-year-old child).
But grief can also teach you to love with a incomprehensible fierceness. It helps you understand what’s at stake because you created temporary heartbeats and housed transitioning souls whilst also bleeding to death four times over.
So, you remember the little things – you show up when it counts. You know life is rare without it being spelt out. You learn to be kind to yourself and you count yourself lucky for all you have. You tell the universe you can face anything that’s meant for you.
I will never be able to explain why I miscarried so many times but I have come to peace with my losses over the years, seeing the lessons loss taught me and knowing that the waiting season wasn’t wasted. In fact, it was stewarded painfully to set me up for the life you see today.
To Mayur (my husband), my pillar. Through your grief of losing your mother, your unconditional love taught me so much and carried me and my heart.
Siana Devi, you are my daily dose of serotonin. You are my reminder that you are the best part of me. You are my saving grace.
For now, the deep embedded scars lay dormant. Sending love to so many of you who are walking this journey. You are not alone. If I can be the one who shines a light to reassure you that better days are ahead – I’ll play that role for you every single day of my life💡
I am forever grateful.💫
