Emina’s story: a missed miscarriage
Emina talks about her experience of her miscarriage, and how she worried about needing medical management. She was able to miscarry naturally, and Emina describes how her anger at her body turned to gratitude and appreciation.
I'll never know for sure the reason behind the miscarriage, but what I've learned is to trust the process.
After a year of trying to conceive a sibling for our amazing 5 year old daughter, my husband and I finally saw the much anticipated second line on a home pregnancy test!
Given that I’m 41 yrs old, I opted for a 6 week ultrasound. The ultrasound technician noted that 90 bpm is on the low side for a heartbeat, however that it’s normal, and that it would go up in no time. My doctor left me with paperwork to repeat the ultrasound at 10 weeks and sent me on my merry way.
The next 4 weeks were filled with belly kisses from the big sister to-be, nausea, fatigue, and all the other lovely symptoms that pregnancy brings on. I had spotting nearly daily, however everyone noted that was normal. The weekend before my 10 week scan my in laws commented on how nicely my belly was growing, I couldn’t help but admire and rub it myself, thinking of all the beautiful moments that were to come.
The day of my 10 week scan turned my world upside down.The ultrasound technician didn’t say a word during the scan other than “your doctor will call you today.” I knew something was wrong. I asked for a picture of the baby, with some reluctance the technician obliged, however I couldn’t bring myself to look at it for long, on some level I knew I was looking at a fetus that was no longer alive.
Few hours later my doctor confirmed my fear. Baby died at 7.6 weeks. I was sent home with instructions to wait for a call from a prenatal assessment clinic.
Once the tears dried and the sadness settled that same day, I felt a rush of anger start to burn inside me. Anger at both my body for betraying me, for not knowing the baby passed two weeks ago, as well as anger for the medical system for sending me home in such a state, for not allowing me to clear my body out asap.
The prenatal appointment was booked for Friday morning (4 days post being told I had a missed miscarriage). Walking around like a zombie and googling “what to expect after mmc” consumed me day and night. The horror stories that I read online about various options and women’s stories posted via different discussion boards tortured me. I pictured my 5 year old daughter seeing me in such a state, traumatizing her innocent little mind. I was scared of what’s to come and not having any control over it only fed that fear.
By Thursday morning the spotting turned red. In preparation for a possible natural miscarriage my husband bought me adult diapers, pads, heating pad, and extra strength tylenol. A plan was put in place for my parents to pick up our daughter for a sleepover should things take a sudden turn.
Thursday/Friday at midnight I woke up with cramps. I took 2x Tylenol, heating pad, and moved to a floor at our house where I had access to a bathroom away from our daughter’s bedroom. Between midnight and 3am I proceeded to pass clots and blood. Thanks to pain medication and a heating bad, there was no pain. I didn’t see anything upsetting or traumatizing passed from my body. By 3am I fell asleep and woke up to no/minimal cramps.
9am Friday morning the clinic confirmed I passed 99% of the tissue. The remainder came that evening with very light cramping.
The anger that I felt initially was replaced with gratitude and appreciation. My body knew when it was time to evacuate and allowed me to go through that journey painlessly, filled with peace knowing that it was coming to an end.
I am now filled with hope and positivity that our daughter’s sibling is coming, slightly delayed, but coming nonetheless. Perhaps her sibling really didn’t want a July birthday. Perhaps her sibling came to clear up the cyst on my ovary that I didn’t even know I had until that 10 week ultrasound (miraculously the miscarriage cleared the cyst up). I’ll never know for sure the reason behind the miscarriage, but what I’ve learned is to trust the process. It was good to be prepared for the worst, but it also would have been nice to consider that perhaps it would all work out ok.