Holly’s story: the reality of miscarriage
In May 2024, Holly experienced a miscarriage, and opted for expectant management, followed by medical management. In her story, she talks about the physical experience of her loss, and brings attention to the amount of time that a miscarriage can take.
Miscarriage is not something that happens one day and is over with the next. It’s tablets, it’s surgery, it’s bleeding, it’s blood tests, it’s pregnancy tests, it’s invasive internal scans, it’s uncomfortable conversations with family, friends and colleagues, all whilst mourning a baby you never got to meet.
25th May 2024 we heard the words ‘I’m really sorry but your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat’. Part of me half knew they were coming, but nothing can quite prepare you for the way everything seems to go completely silent. We’d seen a heartbeat 2 weeks prior however I’d had an unsettled feeling ever since as the baby was measuring a whole week behind from where I thought they should be, the sonographer had reassured me that dates can vary a lot, especially in early stages as you’re talking millimetres in size and not everyone can be 100% sure of when they’d ovulated and conceived, but I was so sure, and now my worries were confirmed. I should have now been 9 weeks pregnant, but instead we were told our little baby had stopped growing and was measuring just over 6. The staff were lovely, we were asked if we wanted to take a scan picture home which we did, and they said they’d refer me to the Early Pregnancy Unit at our local hospital and we should hear from them soon to discuss options. Our scan had taken place at one of the private baby scan shops you get on the highstreet, we then had to walk back out into the brightly lit waiting room filled with colourful gender reveal teddies and keepsakes, other pregnant couples sat excitedly waiting for their scan whilst we awkwardly scurried out as quickly as possible where I burst into tears. I felt heartbroken, like everything I’d imagined for our new life as a family of 4 had been snatched from me. I also felt mortified that I’d let myself get so excited, at home I had a ‘born in 2024’ babygrow that I’d bought to tell my partner the news, and a ‘Big Brother’ T shirt for our 2 year old, I felt so stupid.
The following week we had our first appointment at the EPU where they confirmed the missed miscarriage and discussed our options. I couldn’t believe that the EPU was situated on the main maternity corridor and just tucked to the side, of course it makes sense from a logistical point as the maternity staff will be working in both sections but it felt particularly cruel to have to check in to the same desk and sit on the same corridor as expectant parents waiting for their 12 and 20 week scans. The lady on the desk even asked if I’d come with a full bladder and then tutted when I said no, I explained that I was no longer pregnant as was told to come with an empty bladder as my scan would be trans vaginal and she still wasn’t happy. The majority of the other staff we spoke to were very kind and sympathetic, I decided to do expectant management for another week and then if I still hadn’t miscarried naturally I would go down the medical or surgical route. We had a family wedding mid June and I wanted to know I could relax when I was there and not worry about suddenly starting to miscarry.
As nothing happened that week, I went back to the EPU on 6th June for medical management, I’ve never been under general anaesthetic before and felt scared to go down the surgical route if it wasn’t necessary. I took the first tablet whilst there (Mifepristone) and was given the 4 Misoprostol tablets to administer myself at home 48 hours later. I had read a lot of stories on the Miscarriage Association about medical management so I knew what to expect, I was also prepared for the experience to be very painful however I can honestly say I felt no pain at all which I’m incredibly grateful for. I administered the Misoprostol vaginally as that was what the staff had advised, nothing happened for a couple of hours and then the blood did start to gush out. It wasn’t as scary as I thought it might be as the gushes would only last a few minutes at a time. At one point the 4 tablets actually fell out, luckily I managed to catch them in a tissue. I rang the EPU and asked what to do and they reassured me that as long as they’d been in a couple of hours they would have done their job anyway and it was likely just the casing remaining but as I’d managed to catch them, I may as well re insert them if possible, so I did. I eventually passed what I believe was the sac, I had a pushing sensation like in childbirth and also passed a large piece of tissue about the size of a kidney. I actually scooped it back out of the toilet so I could document it, miscarriage is not a dignified experience! The heavy bleeding continued for the rest of the day and then was nothing more than period like bleeding. The staff at the EPU had advised to only get back in touch if after 3 weeks I was still bleeding and/or testing positive on a pregnancy test.
Three weeks passed and I was still bleeding very lightly, and my pregnancy tests were still positive. I was called back to the EPU where another scan confirmed that some pregnancy tissue was still remaining. They prescribed me antibiotics to prevent infection and also help clear any remaining tissue. A couple of weeks later the bleeding seemed to have stopped, and I tested negative. I felt relieved that the experience was over however a couple of days later I started bleeding heavily again, at first I thought it could be my period coming back however it stopped after a day and then started again the following week, the bleeding was also heavier and contained some clots. I went back to the EPU for yet another scan and they confirmed that there was still a very small amount of pregnancy tissue but it should clear by itself, I asked for a timeframe but they couldn’t give me one. Thankfully roughly a week later the bleeding did fully stop, and my period returned approx. 4 weeks later. I wish people knew how much of a prolonged experience miscarriage can be, from finding out we’d lost the baby, to the bleeding finally stopping, was 2 months and 1 day exactly. I feel like the emotional impact of miscarriage is starting to be understood and spoken about a lot more which is brilliant, but I really wish more was known about the experience as a whole. Miscarriage is not something that happens one day and is over with the next. It’s tablets, it’s surgery, it’s bleeding, it’s blood tests, it’s pregnancy tests, it’s invasive internal scans, it’s uncomfortable conversations with family, friends and colleagues, all whilst mourning a baby you never got to meet. We are now hopeful that we will be blessed with our rainbow baby soon, and feel incredibly lucky to have our toddler, to anyone else going through this right now I am sending you the biggest hug.
