Jessica’s story: the grief doesn’t go away
Jessica had 5 losses, including an ectopic pregnancy, and 2 successful pregnancies. She shares how she has had to learn to cope with the ongoing grief for her losses.
Many things still trigger me, from songs that were on the radio when I was in the hospital, to times of the year when I experienced a loss.
I have lost 5 pregnancies between 2016 and 2020.
One common misconception I get from people that I speak to, is that the loss should not feel so profound as I have also had two successful pregnancies during this time. However, that really is not the case.
The grief from my first loss 6 years ago hurts just as much now as the day we were told that the baby we had imagined in our arms had no chance of survival, due to being ectopic.
Experiencing miscarriage has impacted my future pregnancies. Each one has had me filled with fear over excitement, and it creates an anxiety that just doesn’t exist in the pregnancy journey of women who have never experienced a loss.
The treatment of a miscarriage can also leave you with worries and questions. I had no idea prior to my losses that I would lose a fallopian tube due to an ectopic pregnancy, and this left me confused about my future ability to have a baby naturally. After my second miscarriage, I had worries about my fertility. How to get answers was something I just did not know how to navigate. I was trying to hide my anxiety from my family and I was scared of having any investigations that would give me an answer I did not want.
Many things still trigger me, from songs that were on the radio when I was in the hospital, to times of the year when I experienced a loss.
There are many times I go to bed at night and cry. I don’t think I will ever stop grieving, as life does not teach us that that you don’t get to hold your baby in your arms every time. There are gaps in my life that were meant to be filled by those babies, and they will never be filled. And that will be my reality for the rest of my life.
Since becoming involved with the Miscarriage Association, I have had lots of opportunities and outlets to discuss pregnancy loss from a medical and personal perspective, and I wholeheartedly believe this has given purpose to my grief.
It is not solely a negative in my life now, as my experience is allowing me to help and support others, and to be supported myself by other people who have shared their experiences.
Pregnancy loss is not something that ‘goes away’ – it will stay with you for life. For me, learning to harness my emotions and try not to let them overwhelm me has been the biggest challenge I have faced after experiencing pregnancy loss.
