Nisha’s story: it’s important to keep talking
Nisha had a missed miscarriage in October 2021. In her story, she talks about how the pandemic affected her and her now-husband's experience of loss, and the importance of talking about miscarriage, either with loved ones or at work.
The statistic that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in loss is a stark reminder that we are not alone.
In late August 2021, my fiancé and I were surprised to discover that I was pregnant. Although we hadn’t been trying, we were thrilled as the realisation set in. Initially, I had no symptoms but that quickly changed as I began experiencing severe morning sickness, fatigue and emotional swings. Despite these challenges, I was excited and deeply in love with our growing baby.
Our 12-week scan was scheduled for October 18, a milestone that we believed would allow us to share our news with more people. I even planned a special outfit for the occasion, complete with leopard print shoes, a clutch bag and a hat. However on October 13, I noticed slight bleeding. Although I knew it could be normal, we decided to visit the early pregnancy unit for a check-up. Due to COVID restrictions, my fiancé couldn’t join me but the examination suggested everything was fine. I was scheduled for an emergency ultrasound the following day.
On October 14, my fiancé was allowed to accompany me to the waiting room but not inside the scan room. As I lay there nervous and scared, the nurse began the ultrasound but kept the screen turned away from me. Then she delivered the devastating news: our baby had no heartbeat and had stopped developing at eight weeks. This was my first encounter with the term “missed miscarriage,” where the body doesn’t recognise that the pregnancy has ended and continues to produce pregnancy symptoms. I was overwhelmed with grief, confusion and guilt, wondering if I had done something wrong.
As the weekend progressed, my condition worsened. I experienced intense pain in my stomach and back and the bleeding became severe. We returned to the early pregnancy unit where I was given strong painkillers. Despite this, by the evening the pain was unbearable and I was losing so much blood that we rushed to the hospital. I was admitted the early hours of October 18th due to severe blood loss and placed on a drip, with plans for a surgical procedure later that morning. My fiancé waited all night and day in the waiting room, unable to be with me.
By midday on October 18, the procedure was over. My uterus was empty and our once joyful three months of anticipation had ended in heartbreak. Returning home was difficult; it wasn’t supposed to be this way. Both of our workplaces were supportive allowing us time to grieve and process the loss.
This experience made me realise that baby loss is as traumatic for men as it is for women, though this is often overlooked. My fiancé was my rock and we supported each other every day. I also learned that well-meaning comments like “At least you weren’t too far along” or “At least you know you can get pregnant” can be incredibly hurtful. The pain of losing a baby isn’t diminished by how far along you were or knowing that you can conceive.
The statistic that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in loss is a stark reminder that we are not alone. After waiting 18 months due to COVID restrictions, my fiancé and I got married in November 2021. We are happy but the memory of what happened in October 2021 stays with us daily. It’s okay to feel a range of emotions such as guilt, anger, envy or nothing at all. There is no right or wrong way to grieve but it’s important to keep talking about it, whether with loved ones or at work.
The Miscarriage Association has been an invaluable support system for me especially during Baby Loss Awareness Week which coincided with our ordeal. On what was meant to be our 12-week scan date, we had to say goodbye to our baby whom we named Aaryan Amadeus Chandra-Square. We will always be his parents and that is something no one can take away from us.
Nisha also shared a video with us about the silence around miscarriage in the South Asian community. You can watch her video in Punjabi or English.